You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
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why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.