Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
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If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news
SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
Holy moly
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those