A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
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Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
*bites zombie*
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?