I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
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7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES