Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
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I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
take me back to when my son was three, and he sang to me that i was his sunshine, his only sunshine, i made him happy when skies were “grape”
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”