Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
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People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO