Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
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Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
I’ll be mad as hell!
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…