[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
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Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”