Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
You Might Also Like
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
we’re dead?
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
In case you needed to hear it:
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
Batman v Dracula
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
There’s 7 million people in this world and you think I’m gonna let one customer with a bad attitude to ruin my day??? damn right I am I’ll probably even go cry in the freezer too
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.