You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.