Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
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The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Who knew!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.