my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
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Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.