Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
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WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
*Carries a bookmark to that fancy restaurant with the extensive menu card.*
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”