Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
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robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
[at the playground]
“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent