Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
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“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My dad.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?