*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
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cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Me, in DM rooms…
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*