What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
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your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.