*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
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A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
What even happened today?
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Monday?
No. Next question.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂