I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
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A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Guantanamo Bae
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”