It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Sing it!
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.