Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
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Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
We’ve all been there
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Finally
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
welp
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.