Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
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How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake