Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
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netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”