The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
He took my last fry, your honor
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.