if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
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Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
The police never think its as funny as you do.
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name