ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
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Just noticed there’s no comma in “Bed Bath & Beyond” and honestly, a bed bath would solve a lot of my problems.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
@funTweeters
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
*wonders if any of my friends snorted tide when I was a teen since we didn’t have tide pods*
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
iPhone X
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
🎵 that’s me in the corner
that’s me drinkin’ hot sprite
trying to catch a pigeon
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
And that about sums it up.
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old