I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
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All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
My blood type is b hungry.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?
Me: That’s an oddly specific question.
4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.