My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
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When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” is a bad apology. You need to be more specific. Next time try, “I’m sorry you feel the need to share that with me.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.