Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
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[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sofía Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That’s enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
me: *getting murdered*
wait.. did you wash your hands?
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?