Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
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Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register