Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
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Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Bros before Ohioes
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
the dark web is just a goth google.
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.