[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
This one’s “Alex”.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.