Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
You Might Also Like
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
It’s so cute when my kids grew up and moved out
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me: