tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
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To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…