Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
The government even made aliens boring