Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
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[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋