Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
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Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
Canadian cattle can now legally
graze on cannabis plants.The steaks have never been higher.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.