Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
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“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
Pro Tip: You can disable the surveillance camera in your microwave by heating a metal fork on the high setting for 7 minutes.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”