(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
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Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Wait a minute
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*