Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
You Might Also Like
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
[Calling concert venues across the country]
Hi yes, I’m just calling to let you know that on your website you spelled “weekend” incorrectly
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta