I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
You Might Also Like
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
i will not be silenced
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*