Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
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A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
the pigeons are already plenty salty
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.