A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
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My favorite thing about teaching high school is when a student turns something in a week late and then emails two hours later because I haven’t graded it yet. It’s great.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high
CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk
ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af
CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
My 11 y/o daughter just read a children’s book about the Great Depression and would like the record to reflect that she felt cheated because “there was nothing ‘Great’ about it.”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.