[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog