If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
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Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Is this you?
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma: