The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
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If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.