This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
You Might Also Like
Friend is being kicked out of his flat that has a garden because the landlord wants to charge much, much higher rent. Friend has carefully removed every single thing he planted. Landlord: “it’s worth more with all the f***ing plants, how am I meant to get more rent now?!”
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow