Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
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Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab