Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
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Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
A short story about romance.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
There’s been lots of “OH MY GOD!” screams coming from the room opposite mine; I just wish the couple in there didn’t pick now to be praying.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Hey, let’s eat outside tonight so the flies can eat our food while the mosquitos eat us, & the kids eat nothing because they hate burgers today.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie