From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
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Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-